Saturday, October 29, 2005

OBITUARY


To my uncle,
Rest in peace.
Hope that you will be free from all worries and problems.
Hope that your relatively short stay in the world has brought to you meaning and love.
May the Lord be with you.

My uncle, 陈金龙, passed away on 27 October 2005 around 1am. Due to car accident followed by an attack by the other party. My parents didn't wish to tell me, to not distract me from my exams. My brother let it out eventually when I called to look for my parents, while they were at my uncle's house. He left behind two children, 5 and 12 years old respectively.

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A Good Start... yet Full of Uncertainties


It was in the afternoon when my phone rang.
When the room was dimly lit by streaks of sunlight.
When everybody was busy mugging and complaining about their empty stomach.
Then, my phone rang.
With the same old superstar ringtone composed by me!
It was my dad!
He seldom, if not never, calls in the afternoon.
So I was surprised, and worried at the same time.
Anything happened?
"Somebody called us just now, to look for you."
"To arrange an interview with you"
Oh my god! It's the Jardine Foundation!
So I called them back, and realised that I have to have the interview in the midst of my As!
I can't help it, can I?
The excitement was quickly surmounted by the cloud of uncertainty and worry.
What do I have to do? How can I perform well at both interview and exams?
The worst thing would be that I am offered a scholarship (wow!) I am offered a place in Oxford (wow wow!), but I do not have a result good enough to enter Oxford! NO! Must not allow this to happen.
Ok... shall mug now.

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

Innately selfish?


Was discussing with my friend on the way to school about friendship and BGR. Somehow both of us just agreed that friendship is purer than BGR.
When people get into BGR, they become more selfish. Or is it that BGR is, by nature, a selfish business? When two persons get into a BGR, are they agreeing and announcing that I am yours and you are mine? In that case, BGR IS a selfish business.
No wonder people hate to go into BGR with good friend, afraid that their frienship may turn sour, or they may lose this frienship if the BGR does not turn out well. If BGR does not work out well, it shows that one party, or both, has seen through and through the person. Then he should not feel a sense of loss to lose her after the BGR has ended.
Why then, do people still lament for this kind of loss? Is it because they miss the person as the person before the BGR? Why is it that chemical change to the relationship between good friends do occur once they enter BGR? What is so great about BGR? What do people have to change when they enter BGR? Why do they have to change?
Don't feel like finding an answer. Just coming up with lots and lots of wu liao questions to fill up this entry.
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

My Day is Made


My wrath for Kum Chee and interview was cleared, so quickly, as if it has never existed.
Wei Jian has secured a 3-year contract with Play Music.
Dream comes true.
Suddenly I have an urge to stay in Singapore to work, or to study in university.
To wait for him.
Oh no,
this is so silly.
Well, I WILL abandon this thought.
But right now,
let me stay in the state of euphoria. :)
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My first sucky interview


Oolala~ Had my first university interview today. With an interviewer who was all sick and coughing and sneezing and drinking water all the time and had an injured hand.
But don't feel like going through the painful memory again, so shan't dwell upon it.
My GP tutor told me off today that she will refuse to mark anymore of my essays if I continue commit grammar suicides. Well, it's not that I don't want to write proper English right?! Who don't want to see a nice A, or a B on the result slip? The reason is simply that I can't do it! No matter how hard I try! It is just not inborn in me!
Apparently my personal statement was checked by Hailing before it was submitted to her because she announced that she didn't want to check grammatical errors for me! Now she's finding fault with me for not being able to produce the same quality! Of course! Because I am not Hailing! Here I am desperately needing help from her and there she is officially proclaiming that she is letting go of me! I don't want to give up trying! But what can I do now? When help is nowhere to be seen, and light is just too far away and this tunnel just seems too dark!
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Monday, October 17, 2005

Bleach is a must-have in all households!


Was panicking for the absence of suitable clothes to wear for my interview. As I rummaged through my cabinet for any sight of hopeful clothes, I saw them.
A pair of formal beige pants.
It should have brought me great joy! But instead, it delivered to me more depression.
The pants were stained at the knees portion by a population of unknown revolting rust flecks.
No amount of water could get rid of them, but just sent me goosebumps that covered my entire body.
In the end, out of exasperation, I asked my friend for bleach. Thinking that there's nothing to lose since it is already un-wearable, I dabbed some undiluted chlorate onto it.
And magically, the stains were disappearing right before my eyes!
Excited, I continued to dab and rub more chlorate onto the stained portion, and witnessed how wonder worked!
15 minutes later, all stains gone, the original beige unaltered.
I felt like declaring to the entire world MY UNDYING LOVE FOR BLEACH! It must have been the best invention ever by any inventor in the fashion field! It is magical! (Remnants of Harry Potter which I just finished reading this morning)
For future, once I have my own home, I shall make sure that the first thing I will buy for my home is a bottle of bleach. You should, too!

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Saturday, October 15, 2005

Thinking about Our Thinking Process

My friend couldn't comprehend me when I was trying to explain a complicated idea to him. He blamed it on my poor expression. But my other friend could understand me perfectly when I told her my thought. No matter how complex the issue is. Or so I thought.
It just struck me suddenly that how do I know that my thoughts are being perfectly understood by her? She may interpret it the way she understands, and it may not be my actual thought.
I argued with myself that it is not possible, as she was able to share her views on the idea.
Then once again, I debated. It may just be a view interpreted by my system the way I can see it. And may not be her original idea.
So the same thing may apply to all other areas, education, information on newspaper and all. So misunderstanding can arise, either like this or people may just continue to live in their own perception, unknowing that they are deceived.
But this is weird. If people are living in their own world of perception, then why are most things still being co-ordinated perfectly well?
So this brings me back to the point that we should have shared the same view from the same words, if we have understood it.
And this realisation is like 'wow'! How can people with separate and independent brains conjure up the same thought by the same words? Aren't we different? Why are these cells, despite being located in different bodies, still managed to produce the same understanding?
So these bombarding questions brought me back to a realisation. We aren't that different after all. Genetically, the nervous cells, which produce responds such as thoughts, are identical. So they should function the same way and produce the same kind of response, or thoughts. That's why we can have a common understanding among people.
However, emotion produced by different people will vary greatly. When faced with trying situation, some may feel challenged and excited to conquer the problem, whereas some, may be completely distressed and depressed. So this shows that while our comprehension of certain issues can be the same, the emotion produced in response to the same issue can be vastly different.
Then what causes all these different responses, when the same nerve cells are supposed to produce the response?
Let me think.
Well, there are billions and trillions of nerve cells in our body, not everyone of them will be used when subjected to the same stimulus. Only some, a group, or a few groups of them are utilised. So, may be it is because different people make use of different combination of nerve cells when responding to the same stimulus, that’s why the emotion created is dissimilar.
Which implies that everybody are capable of producing the entire range of emotions experienced by all mankind, but it is just that the we never make use of that certain sets of nerve cells.
Theoretically, it is like this.
Did I just prove myself wrong because you guys don't get what I mean? Well, if you do, it's only because you don't understand my thoughts well enough.
I shall proclaim that this is NOT my fault.
Da~
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Birthday greetings

Brother,
Happy 24th birthday!

Love, Sister
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Dreams over

I just handed in my dream to the general office.
The jardine scholarship application.

Now, there is nothing else I can do about my dream already.
Everything is in the hands of my school, the postman, and the jardine organisation people.

I just realised how difficult how dreams can be shaped,
or to achieved,
and how easily it can be shattered.
One 'No' reply will just cancel my dream,
out of the control of myself.

For now,
I can only wait.
Wait and wait.
For my dreams to come true.
By the consent of the superior.

Men are not master of themselves.
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Thursday, October 13, 2005

My favourite Q&A session between my friends and me

(of course, answer provided by me)


Why didn't you complete homework?
Because it is imcomplete without blanks.

Why are you so tan?
Tan.. tan... tangent? I am so tan because I am not normal. (think maths)

Why do you answer questions so indirectly?
Because I don't answer them directly.

Why are you so lame?
Because I am a Cancer, so I am cancerous, and have my legs amputated(Touch wood), so I became lame...

你这是人话吗?
不是,这是神话!
And to tell Jackie Chan, 神话is to be heard, not to be watched!

Created by GOAT (Guru of all trades). Trades include niao-ism aka sarcasm, lame jokes, circular logic.... Courses available to improve your ability on these skills. A 10-lesson course is only going out at $13 786. Lesson duration: half an hour. Medium of communication: face to face, phone, msn, icq, emails. interested, please contact Low Wan XIn @ her number.
2 rustlings

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

DOCTOrate

Skipped chem paper review to see doctor for my sore eye today. Waited for a dear 3 and a half hours to see 3 minutes of the doctor's pretty face and spent $17.85 to obtain the little one-dollar eye drop.
"It's a minor infection you know." The doctor stared at me in surprise, as if she was unable to comprehend the reason I would spend 3 and a half hours (Let me stress the time wasted again) waiting just to solve this trivial matter.
I gently suggested to her that this 'minor infection' has brought me great trouble, disturbance and pain, but she chose to ignore this literally glaring fact. Because of this sore eye, I became so conscious of the blinking movement of my eyes. Each time I blink, the nerves will send continuous action impulse to my brain, reminding me of the pain it take to pull that eyelid down by 1.5cm distance. Blinking has become a more torturous experience than running 10km, doing 30 pull-ups, 100 sit-ups or 20 sommersaults! And imagine having to blink 30 (I think. It's too tortourous to count it) times per minute! And never am I so consious about how frequently I blink, or how fortunate it is to be able to blink your eye without being consious of it.
Which brought me to the awareness of how lucky we are to have all abled body parts (well, except for my currently dysfunctioning right eye). At least we can move freely, though at times restricted by our inflexibilty. When at the bus stop I saw an old father alighting, following him was his daughter who walked with much difficulty. She could not stand independently without a support, and had to rely on her dad to even clean the surface of her spectacles.
Which brought me to the consideration if we should favour abortion if we can detect early that the foetus is deformed. It is not only about the right to live by the foetus. It is about the hardships that the child will go through throughout her life, and all troubles the parents have to experience to bring up the child, all the way till when the parents are old and grey-haired, having health problems themselves as well. Does granting the foetus the right to live justify all the problems the child and the parents face later in life? Yes we do hear about cases of success by members of these physically-disabled population, but we should not also forget all the rest of the disableds who are suffering in silence. How many of them can have the chance of becoming Kelvin Tan Wei Lian or Hellen Keller? It does not mean that we should neglect the presence of these sufferers simply because they are not in the public's limelight.
Well, back to my own world. Realise my two years in Hwa Chong has been quite disastrous, lost my voice once thanks to PW, fever twice, sore eye thrice(this is such an eye sore!), scarred my legs five times (only in this three months! Three of them exposed the rosy blood beneath the dead epidermal cells, one of them left an eternal scar), cough for uncountable days. Just wish that I am safe and sound for the rest of the year.
When I let Mrs. Tam sign my Out-of-Campus form, I told her that I was going to commit suicide. She nodded blankly. Thinking that she has understood me, I asked her to pray for me every 3 October. She nodded again. Asking me where she should place the flowers. My answer: Anywhere will do, it's the thought that count. Then I suggested to her that as my civics tutore for two wonderful years, she might wish to write an orbituary for me. She nodded apprehensively again. She would regret this if I really jumped down later. Haha. But well, I am too in love with myself to break myself into pieces!
The verdict for my visit to Bukit Batok Polyclinic: I have to stop wearing contacts for 2 weeks, throw away my current pair and apply a drop of eye drop onto my right eye four times a day, keeping it in refrigerator when not in use.
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Sunday, October 02, 2005

Warning:


Construction in progress.
Enter at your own risk.
4 rustlings

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Ubin and Urban

Went back to Ubin again yesterday. Ok clarification: I do not originate from Ubin. Haha.. Because of the trip I kicked up a big fuss with Janice complaining whether I should go or not. You know, complaining about the disadvantages of both situations. Then in the end I declared public that I was not going. Then at 11pm I announced again that I was going. Ok. Women are fickled-minded.

Because of the trip I have to wake up as early as school time! Urgh! And haha of course I couldn't. So I was late for the departure time. But was still 4 minutes early to reach Tanah Merah. Though CS, YW and CJ were already there. Then realised that Ereneh weren't going!!! My world suddenly turned so grey. I am the lone girl there! The rest are lone-paired! Urgh! I would be so lonely there!

But well, my worries didn't come true. The trip turned out to be still as fun and the lone-paireds aren't that tightly bound either. Furthermore the nature of the trip didn't require that much interaction too. Except some interaction with mosquitoes. Oh ya I shall proclaim here that I am the only survivor in Ubin! I wasn't bitten by mosquitoes at all! lalalalala~

Then there were some accidents too, like wan xin and yiwen slipped or fell down from bike, yiwen was lost when we wre tracking na du gong temple and we couldn't contact her as there were no line. Starhub, M1 and Singtel should do something to their connection. But well, nothing serious and we re-united with Yiwen in the end still.
Wonder if there will be anymore inhabitants on Ubin after the current generation of people have passed away. No youths or even adults were seen except tourists like us. We bought drinks from a 50+ man who told us about his farm animals being destroyed by government due to avian flu last time. Even though a nominal sum was given to him to compensate for the loss of his animals, the sum could not compensate for the drastic change that occurred to his life. He used to be a orchird planter then, even had a board stating "Orchird Shan1 Zhuang1" in front of his shabby house. But his orchird fertiliser came from his animals manure, so loss of farm rear implies loss of fertiliser. So today what we saw was only stacked up empty flower pots. What he has now is a wild boar and yet people complained that he ill-treat it as it is skinnier than the farm pigs. But haloz~ it's WILD boar, and it is by genes skinnier than farm pigs! It has to run for its life! So he tried to let it go, but the latter refused, after ten years of company with the man. So at least he still has a friend. There is no sight of his family.
The younger generation nowadays are just too educated and too intelligent, too modern to avoid such rural place, where telephone wires are still connected above land, houses are built using woods on stilts, some of the roads are not tarred, mosquitoes are everywhere, wild boar running in the wild, telephone connection is unstable, electricity is generated using generator at some places. Ask around and no one will tell you that is their ideal home.
But we need it as a place for recreation. A place in Singapore where there is still forest and wooden houses. But who will be willing to be there to maintain the rural look? Who will be willing to earn a living by renting out bicycles? Who will be ready to take a boat ride in order to buy daily needs? Looking at the old boat driver on the way back to mainland, I have too many questions to ask myself, and contemplate on the cost we need in order to maintain a laid-back leisure spot. It is about maintaining a rural place at the expense of the less educateds. It is about asking someone to take up the job which none of us wants. It is about us looking at them as if there are part of the decoration of nature. It is about the unwillingness to modernise them, a process which all of us yearn.
The trip brought me lots of fun, and lots of points to reflect upon the society.
1 rustlings

Rotting in process

It's post-prelims now. Life is stagnant. Rotten. Have not touched anything academic since last week after my LEP paper. Now I am still reaping the fruits of my previous hardwork. Can't help but filled with tremendous gratitude for my results. I PASSED GP!!!!!!!!!!!! For the first time in the year! For Maths, I have an overall borderline A! Even though I got a B for the first time during prelims. But this managed to send me a HUGE warning signal that I shall stop being complacent about my grades. They will never stay constant. But well, thanks to god, I still clinch an A overall. Nonetheless I will not be complacent. I will mug mug mug and mug for 'A's. It's the last lap le and I want to work my way for the best results I can ever get. I shall wait for the rainbow in March 2006.

My GP is a decent C6, even though I failed essay. But well, this is able to up my confidence by a decimal bit, at least my effort in Term 3 has shown result. Yet it is no good. It won't get me anywhere with a C. And it's kinda an insult to myself, for spending 6 years in Singapore, my English has dropped to its lowest point ever. May be the atmosphere really determines how we fare. Using Mandarin as a communicating language with friends nowadays proves to retard my English expression skills. Like now, I am struggling hard to type these words down. *sigh* There is no room for regret now. Anyway it just comes so natural to converse in Mandarin when two people from Mandarin-speaking backgrounds come together. But what I can save now is to do more GP essays and compre. Hopefully it helps...
Prayers...
0 rustlings

Live
~ wan xin
* a feel
* a soul
* a mind
* an emotion
* an inspiration

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我的語言
- 土生土長的華人
- 學校教了我英文和馬來文
- 環境教了我福建話
- 電視劇教了我廣東話
- 大學和喀麥隆教了我法語
- 在一個早上接觸了手語
- 最後一學期一口氣學了日語和西班牙語

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