Thursday, June 29, 2006

The countdown continues

15 days.
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Wednesday, June 28, 2006



I wonder if I am always fated to enter the next phase of my life alone.

I went to Choong Hua with only 2 classmates from my kindergarten.

I went to MES with only 6 classmates while the rest entered the other school together.

A year after, I landed on the merlion land alone, with zero friend or relative.

4 years after, I found no SC girls in my new jc class.

And now, I am entering my next phase of life, uni, alone too.

Let's just hope that I will be as lucky as in the past, getting wonderful and unforgettable friends at every new world I enter.

By now, I should have been used to lone adventure. But somehow, I can still feel that tinge of fear and uncertainty within me.

And I am still not used to departure with friends and the old world I was in.

I hate it when they can only remain in my memory, not my life. I know that I should be able to get new friends who can just be as marvellous as, or even better than the friends I have had in Choong Hua, MES, SC, CJC or HC.

But that doesn't make me willing to part with the good old friends. I treasure everyone of them.

I like not to see us drifting apart, when my impression of them is unable to keep up with their changes. When I find myself to be already detached from their life.Not only have they shrunken into only my memory, I shrink from part of their life into part of their memory as well.

I know we can still constantly meet up and keep each other updated about our life, but well, the sense of participation will still be lacking no matter how.

Life is like a single-trip journey on a train.

People come and go, as they have their own train to take care of too.

They were once our passengers, and we were once theirs.

But after they take their leave, what's left in my own train will only be the scent of their presence, which will gradually get diluted by the arrival of new passengers.

We will get further and further apart as the trains continue on its own track.
But well, when everyone's asleep, I am sure I will slowly identify each scent of my passengers. Past and present.

And be remembered of the times we shared. Bitter or sweet.

And one day, when everybody finally leaves my train, I shall go on. Alone.


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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Try typing REJECTED and SELECTED using your handphone.
They are made using the same keys in the same sequence.
So, being rejected or selected is just a hit on the key by those in authority. It means no difference to them.
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Monday, June 26, 2006

Silence is golden

This afternoon, I looked out of the window from the kitchen, and saw two snails on the mango tree trunk.
In the evening, when I looked out again, they are still there. At the same position. May be they have moved. But minimally.
This scene reminded me of the turtle I saw in a reptile garden few years back. It was just behind the glass of the aquarium, laid on the rock, and was stationary for a few minutes. I know. Because I was there watching it for that few minutes.
I was wondering, what was the turtle thinking. How could it possibly remain stationary for minutes, and may be hours? What crosses its mind? What was it thinking? Feeling how water current passes by its centuries-old body? Does it spend most of its time like that? Wouldn't it be bored?
Then suddenly I thought. Why must we be thinking at every moment? Why must our mind be constantly so active? Our body, after a period of energy investment, needs to rest too. So doesn't our mind need rest too? To be void of all mental activity, and simply let it enjoy some moments of silence. Our body may be resting during sleep, but many a times our mind doesn't. We contemplate upon issues before we sleep, we dream when we sleep, we wake up worrying or planning things to do that day. Why would we be bored if we are not doing any actions? Because it menas no stimulus for the mind to think actively. We are bored, because we don't know how to appreaciate silence of the mind, which is a wonderful experience, as we need not be stressed to perform thinking. As we are totally in rest. As we can actually feel that the energy in our body renewing itself.
Resting the mind means silencing the mind so that it doesn't need to work. Meditation is a way of resting the mind. But those people who practise it would understand how hard it is to silence our mind, as it's so used to being active and thinking, so much so that silencing it seems almost impossible.
When we try to rest our mind and stop any thoughts from forming and
crossing the mind, we often fail. Thoughts still rise up unawared and we are always led on by the thoughts, indulge in it, and our mind becomes active once more. When we finally detach ourselves from the thoughts, and try to rest our mind again, the same situation will repeat not long after.
And then we would realise, silence is golden. Not only because it is beneficial to us, but because it is almost un-attainable by us.
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I am hesitant to make my decision. To terminate all possibilities that may become reality. The reality that I would love.
I am sorry.
Perhaps I should be a little more optimistic.
Perhaps I should stop looking at the impossible what ifs and dream for the possible possibilities.
Perhaps I should look forward to what I can see, who I can meet should I follow the rational decision.
Stop looking back.
I am sorry.
I am the one who took the leave first.
But I want you to know that I am sad to have to make this decision too.
Hopefully I am simply thinking too much.
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Saturday, June 24, 2006

Findings for now

Tears isn't the solution, but at least it's the solvent that dissolves stress.
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NUS sucks.
NTU sucks equally.
Both have the most irritating and irresponsible way of answering enquiries. Both refuse to commit themselves for a clear answer.

Wan Xin: What is the minimum academic performance in A Levels, including GP, that is required for consideration of ASEAN Scholarship?
NUS: Generally, candidates would have obtained relevantly good grades for all subjects, including GP. to stand a more favourable chance.
halo! It's obvious that we need good grades. But what the hell do you mean by having good grades?!

Wan Xin: Which direction is NTU Psychology heading? Can I know more about organisational psychology (Module 409)?
NTU: May I suggest that we discuss about them personally when you join us in August? It will be a more fruitful discussion that way.
I wouldn't need to ask you these before I enter NTU if I can wait for the answer till after I enter the damn school.

NUS: Thank you for your interest in NUS.
Stop telling me pretty phrases like this when the answers you provided only shows that my interest in your school is insane.
NUS: We hope this information is useful to you. Thank you and have a nice day.
My day would be so much nicer should you have provided me with clear cut answer.
NTU: I am heartened to read about how you have made serious steps towards knowing more about Psychology and the courses in NTU before coming in.
And I am disheartened that you can't even answer my simple questions.

Oh no I am cursing and swearing so much more nowadays than I have been in the past.
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We aren't the same after all.
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Tear me apart if you will.
Time is seriously running up.
Kill me if you will.
For I have already committed suicide.
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The Inner Strength

I know this is going to be the toughest moment in my 19 years. (Yes. I am not 20 yet)
I know that I will be stressed, destressed, pressed, depressed, confused, exasperated.
I know that this is normal, as the decision is simply too important to be slighted at, or even to leave it to chance.
I know I could have just stop thinking so much and head straight to the clearest path, but I would not settle for this easy option, as I want to research better before plunging into any university.
I know that much of the troubles I am experiencing now are here because I wanted them here. Because I didn't want to go easy. That's why it is difficult.
I know that after I past this phase, everything would seem so much simpler and when I look back, the decision would seem obvious. But for now, I will still be confused. But again, I know that it's normal.
I know that I would cherish myself for viewing this seriously. At least I treasure myself to not just simply dump myself anywhere.
I know that this trying moments will only make myself stronger, not weaker; wiser, not more foolish; better, not worse.
I know that this will not be the toughest moment in my life, as there will be many more more bitter ones to come. I know that this is just a little juncture I will face in my life. Nonetheless, it is crucial. At least for now.
I know that this period is here only to prepare me for the harder one in the future.
I know I will go on.
I know the fighting spirit in me will not die.

Aza aza Hoiti!

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Friday, June 23, 2006








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Friday, June 16, 2006

The Countdown Starts Now

27 days.
P.S. Sorry Guan Lin, borrow your infamous nickname.
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Sunday, June 04, 2006

I was a coach!

Woke up feeling a little strange today.

Nothing to rush for.

Nothing to prepare for.
Before I had the chance to enjoy myself,
Everything's over.
The coaching programme.
The gruelling two-month preparation and the challenging one-week actual show.
There were times when we were so discouraged after multiple rejections by schools.

There were times when we felt so tired after working for so long and yet it seemed like we were not getting anything out of it.

There were times when we felt lost during the composition of the course handbook.

There were times when we felt disillusioned after having to resort from Plan A to Plan B and eventually Plan C.

But finally, everything is paid off.

At the end of the third meeting. When we received a call from a parent who indicated interest in sending her daughter for our course.


That call from the parent of our first student seemed to be a stimulus for more good news.

We received good news from two primary schools agreeing for us to carry out our course for their students.

Now. Even ZhuangYuan JiLi Ban will be staged!

The rest of the days were spent on intensive meeting to perfect course materials, powerpoint presentations and oral presentation. We worked for 6 days a week, and almost 8 hours per day. After meeting didn't mean rest. We had to do self-reflection and personal preparation too.

And the hectic schedule continued itself all the way till the eve of the first course - Zhuang Yuan, on 27th May, at SJK Choong Wen. That night we broke record. The meeting ended at 9+pm! As there were too many loose ends to tie up.

(I hate it when I have to use past tense when describing the actions. Why can't it be present tense or even future tense?)

The first course went smooth and steady. We were shocked to see the vice-pres of 家教协会 monitoring the course. Ok MONITORING may be too strong a word as he was really a nice gentleman. Other than him another teacher and a parent who was our sponsor were present too.

The next day was another ZhuangYuan course at SJK Jia Dong (2). This time it seemed more intimidating as the number of students were more than doubled the previous course while there were a bunch of teachers sitting at the back! But in the end, it turned out more successful than Choong Wen's as the students were so enthusiastic!


ACP was on 31st May till 3rd June. 8 hours each day. (ZY was 4 hours) It was much tougher as the stuff we thought were harder, the no of students are too small to feel high, the hours were much longer.

Ok. Parents, please do not force your kids to attend any seminars if they are unwilling to. Cuz their mind will be shut. The students were more interested in knowing what's the time for lunch, for tea and to go back than the course itself. They came to get released.

We tried our best. But their level of absorption was dubious. Fortunately they had the course handbook. Hopefully they would use skills that we have taught them one day. When they turn more mature and serious.

ACP2 more like a brothers' day. 4 of the 6 participants were our own brothers. ACP2 participants were more motivated. But sometimes they were too independent for us to coach. Most of the coaching times we found ourselves standing behind. It was unnecessary to coach as they could do it on their own.


before we could be mentally prepared,

everything has ended.

Converted to memory.

We are back on our own paths, chasing after our own dreams.

But I am sure these 2 months were wonderful for everyone of us. No matter how many times we have disagreed on certain issues. No matter how many fewer hours we have slept. Or how early we had to wake up.

I would always treasure this period of my life.

I have tried to be an entrepreneur, a partner, a writer, a presenter, a coach, a friend to many minds, and a better friend to three great persons.

It's a life well-lived.

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~ wan xin
* a feel
* a soul
* a mind
* an emotion
* an inspiration

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- 土生土長的華人
- 學校教了我英文和馬來文
- 環境教了我福建話
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- 最後一學期一口氣學了日語和西班牙語


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