Thursday, November 30, 2006

siandiaosiandiaosiandiaosiandiaosiandiaosiandiaosiandiaosiandiaosiandiao
whyislifesomeaningless
whydidn'tifeelasingletingeofhappinessandliberationafterexam
maybeiamneverliberated.iamjustacapturedbeast.
lonelylonelylonelylonelylonelylonelylonelylonelylonelylonelylonely
afterexamisnothingnothingtolookforwardtonothingtodo
nofriendstodisturbnoeventstohappen
ishalljustbealonesoulaloneghostwhichroamsaroundalonejustlikewhatihavedoneinsec3
butrightnowwhydoifeelsoempty
lonelinessstemsfromwithinnotwithout
iwouldbehappyasabirdifiamfullwithineventhoughiamdumpedinanomanisland
butrightnowiamfeelingexasperatedlylonelyeventhoughtherearemanycontactsonline
iamjustanemptyshellanemptysoul
ashallowfellalookingforexternalstimulustomaskmyvaccuminnerself
iguessineedtoexpendalotofenergy
alotalotalotalotalotalotalotalotofit
nothingexcitesmenowexcepttorunandrunandruntotheendoftheworld
withyouorwithoutyouidon'tknow
butiamjustanemptysoulnow
0 rustlings

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Departure


One year.

One year am I separated from the last day of A levels. I miss the times. I don't know how to put this in a more elegant manner, so I shall just write it plainly. As plainly as it would be in its raw-est form.

365 days ago, I was liberated. I thought I was liberated. Now looking back, may be I was just liberated from my comfort zone. In another word, abandoned. I feel I am walking in a minefield now. There are many steps I am unsure of, many ambiguous warnings, many bombs to be detonated before I can be at ease. Every new step stepped is at caution. If there is slackness, it's careful slackness; if there is joy, it's planned joy. Nothing is certained. Not friends, not study, not CCAs. Everything seems as if they can slip away anytime. Insecure. And I am not sure what to hold on and what to let go, what to work for and what to forget. But I shall not be frightened of this state. Mummy says that it is normal like that in uni. Uncertainty. Insecurity. Grey circle of friends. Even greyer circle of true friends. Losable interest in studies. But I know one thing for sure. I have to march on with confidence. Even if it is confidence in uncertainty. I have to know that I can only produce the best outcome admist the uncertainties if I do my best after making the decision to take any particular step. No turning back. Anyway it is not allowed also. So no point thinking of alternatives, no point thinking of what-ifs. Just march on, march on. I don't know when will sufficient bombs be successfully detonated so that I can have a little comfort zone. So just march on, march on. I don't know when I can meet true friends, or friends of the same frequency, or when I will realise the one friend I already have is actually at the same key as me. Just march on, march on. This feels like writing a stream-of-consciousness work. But anyway it is. And anyway I have run out of words. Just came back from my train ride from Malaysia. It is just so fun. Ok this is out of point. But the entire 365 days was just like a train ride. Carrying me further and further away from the comfort I used to enjoy. Future is a minefield and yes I realised I have just mentioned that. Future is like a forest. Everything is obscured. Nothing is clear. You can't be sure what will you produce for what you do. But it's ok. Nothing is certain. Just march on, march on. And may be, there will be, along the way,

surprises.

0 rustlings

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Le temps passe, un semestre finit bientôt! Je ne sais pas pourquoi le temps passe lentement quand vous n'avez pas rien à faire, mais il vole comme la fusée quand vous êtes occupée. Très bientôt, une année vont finir. Je ne comprends combien j'ai appris.
Je travaille de janvier à mai, après cela je vais en voyage à beaucoup des lieux touristiques, par exemple la montagne de Genting, la montage de Cameron, la Ipoh, la Kedah. Je découvre beaucoup jolis lieux. Au mois de août, je commence ma vie d'etudiant.
Ce l'année, je regarde beaucoup de bon films comme la Banquet, le Prestige, et les Pirates des Caraïbes. Ceux sont intérresants et amusants! Ils offrent beaucoup des occasions réfléchir.
Mais j'ai un problème. Je ne sais pas ce que je veux dans l'amour. Je ne sais pas comment il pense aussi. Je souhaite qu'il me traite en tant qu'ami seulement. Je ne veux pas de changent maintenant. J'ai heureux que nous sommes amies. Quand il a triste, il peux cherche moi et vice versa. Suis-je égoïste? Je pense je suis. Mais c'est impossible pour moi
être votre petite amie maintenent, parce que je n'aime pas tu à la folie. Je souhaite raconte toi ceux mais je ne sais pas comment. Je souhaite tu comprends. Et je souhaite il peux aimer moi et raconte moi! Je deviens fou juste par la pensée à lui!
0 rustlings

Friday, November 17, 2006

一支玻璃做的猫,在屋顶上卖雪糕。麦当劳叔叔来买,可是他没有钱。所以他只好用钻石来还。他把雪糕放进信封里,结果信封湿了。他就把信封挂在衣架上晒。信封晒干了之后,竟然变成国旗!
0 rustlings

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Mugging in process


I just did a chapter on Human Development today. Like an express bus that sped through the pages. Felt as if I have just witnessed a life journey. From the point of conception to the point where cells cease to replicate and life ends. From week 4 of life when leg and arm buds begin to appear, to the advice on mummy to massage their preterm infants for better development, to children picking up logic and abstract thinking, then adolescents facing identity confusion, then skin begins to sag and wrinkle, hair falls, arthritis and alzheimer's disease step in, telomeres become too short thus exposing the chromosomes for damage, and life


ends.

0 rustlings

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Did I wake up just to fall asleep again? It feels like my recent subconscious obsession with sleeping is an escape from that invisible wound in my heart. I hate the time my eyes open to see the light, day or night. The wound which briefly closes during sleep just slash open together with my eyes, bleeding non-stop. I dislike waking hours, I dislike being tormented by that unbearable pain. I told myself to forget this. But things just won't fade. It just refuse to faint away. It's stuck at the front of my head, like a sticky glue. And the worst thing is that the stimulus just keeps on coming. I cannot control it, and I am losing control of myself. I shall just drown off, drown off...
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Monday, November 06, 2006

NTU Stats Bites


I chanced upon the statistics page for NTU freshies. It's amazing to see the huge disparity between males and females intakes for different courses.

Have a look at this:
Biomedical Sciences: Females - 126 ; Males - 9
Chemistry and Biological Chemistry: Females - 305 ; Males - 55
Communication Studies: Females - 555 ; Males - 130
English: Females - 114 ; Males - 14


Now don't think that NTU is full of girls. You will be more shocked looking at the figures below:
Aerospace Engineering: Males - 118 ; Females - 34
Computer Engineering: Males - 1199 ; Females - 244
Electrical and Electronic Engineering: Males - 2114 ; Females - 759

In the end, there's 10,317 male freshies and 8,797 females freshies this year. We are still not running away from stereotypes, whereby art-sy courses are dominated by girls and engineering by guys. That's why Nanyang TECHNOLOGICAL University will always have more guys than girls. Good news for the girls and bad for the guys.

The only course with equal intake is Mathematics&Economics: 15 each. The course itself is balanced out in terms of yin (Econs) and yang (Maths) anyway.

Unfortunately, Psychology belongs to the first category: 128 girls and 32 guys. *frowns* Haha..

0 rustlings

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I felt so trapped when it approached midnight that there was this silent scream within me that compels me to free my excess energy via jogging. Thanks Aeron! For accompanying me jogging!
Now feeling the tightness of my brain, the uneven breathing, the dilated pores on my limbs, I feel so good~
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- 土生土長的華人
- 學校教了我英文和馬來文
- 環境教了我福建話
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- 大學和喀麥隆教了我法語
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- 最後一學期一口氣學了日語和西班牙語

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