Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Departure


One year.

One year am I separated from the last day of A levels. I miss the times. I don't know how to put this in a more elegant manner, so I shall just write it plainly. As plainly as it would be in its raw-est form.

365 days ago, I was liberated. I thought I was liberated. Now looking back, may be I was just liberated from my comfort zone. In another word, abandoned. I feel I am walking in a minefield now. There are many steps I am unsure of, many ambiguous warnings, many bombs to be detonated before I can be at ease. Every new step stepped is at caution. If there is slackness, it's careful slackness; if there is joy, it's planned joy. Nothing is certained. Not friends, not study, not CCAs. Everything seems as if they can slip away anytime. Insecure. And I am not sure what to hold on and what to let go, what to work for and what to forget. But I shall not be frightened of this state. Mummy says that it is normal like that in uni. Uncertainty. Insecurity. Grey circle of friends. Even greyer circle of true friends. Losable interest in studies. But I know one thing for sure. I have to march on with confidence. Even if it is confidence in uncertainty. I have to know that I can only produce the best outcome admist the uncertainties if I do my best after making the decision to take any particular step. No turning back. Anyway it is not allowed also. So no point thinking of alternatives, no point thinking of what-ifs. Just march on, march on. I don't know when will sufficient bombs be successfully detonated so that I can have a little comfort zone. So just march on, march on. I don't know when I can meet true friends, or friends of the same frequency, or when I will realise the one friend I already have is actually at the same key as me. Just march on, march on. This feels like writing a stream-of-consciousness work. But anyway it is. And anyway I have run out of words. Just came back from my train ride from Malaysia. It is just so fun. Ok this is out of point. But the entire 365 days was just like a train ride. Carrying me further and further away from the comfort I used to enjoy. Future is a minefield and yes I realised I have just mentioned that. Future is like a forest. Everything is obscured. Nothing is clear. You can't be sure what will you produce for what you do. But it's ok. Nothing is certain. Just march on, march on. And may be, there will be, along the way,

surprises.

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