Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I don't know what's wrong with me. Nothing wrong is happening in my life. But something just doesn't feel right. I don't particularly feel hopeless, not particularly sad, not particularly hurt, not particularly lonely, not particularly free. But I just don't feel living. Something vital is missing there. I still feel happiness, I still get excited. But they just don't last long. They seem superficial. I realise my attention span is getting short. I can't even finish listening to what my friend said. The sense of emptiness just wells up in the middle of night, conjured up by a song, by a sentence said, by a picture, by a piece of though, drying me up.

I don't want to hide this feel with other stuff. Problems aren't solved this way. I need to face it, know it, solve it, get out from it. Not just get occupied with something else, then think that everything is solved already. Problems aren't solved this way, and they will never be solved this way. If you never feel it again after getting busy, it's because you have lied well to yourself, not because you have gone wiser. I need a very huge thing to bang on my head to correct the connections inside. But 'cuse me, I am not trying to invite a series of unfortunate events. I just need something. Something that enlightens my dead body once more. Something to guide me out of this dark tunnel. This kinda feeling is worse than any kinda negative feelings. It's not suicidal, it's not depressed, it's not distress. You feel like there's a voice within you which wants to scream out loud, but somehow when your mouth opens, nothing comes out. No voice. Or may be you don't even know what to scream. Why to scream. I feel blind, I feel dumb, I feel deft. My eyes are stale, my ears are rotting, my senses decomposing. I am not breathing, I am not sensing, I am not responding. I don't feel human. I need fresh air. I need fresh eyes, fresh ears, fresh insights, fresh hope.

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