Pow I miss 73 as well. No matter how much I have moved on with life, a part of me still wish to be with you all. We need to spend more time together, not just once in a blue moon gathering. I love small talks, big talks, some occasional crapping sessions.
I tried to sleep early last night. Yes I went to bed at 10pm happily. But at 2am, I was woken up by footsteps outside. And I couldn't get back to sleep anymore. Realised that I was woken up by fear. Fear of people attacking me when I am sleeping. Probably that is the root reason behind all my sleeping problems. Staying overseas since young has its training to make you independent (though I don't think I am well-trained in it. I am still so hopelessly dependent), but it adds on to the feeling of insecurity as well. Especially when you have had nasty roommates in the past who gossiped about you so loudly that woke you up, who peeped at your handphone and critised at it.
I wrote an essay last semester about my sleeping problems. Initially I thought what I wrote were reasonable causes, then I thought they are just excuses. But today, after this abrupt wake-up, I began to believe once again that my causes are not unfounded. Haish.. may be I shall seek professional help from psychologists or counsellors, to let them earn money with a wish that people will do so to me in the future.
Well, this was what I wrote for my assignment:
Sleeping – enjoyment for the sleepy, misery for the insomniac. [Balanced Pair]
Unfortunately, I belong to the latter. At the mere age of seven, I was already sleeping after 12am, though I was on bed since 10pm. I could not fall asleep, spending hours on bed letting the mind run wild, grumbling that the weather was too warm, my bed was too soft, wondering if tigers and crocodiles were going to come out from below my bed to eat me up. [Cumulative Sentence]
The problem only worsens with age. Even if I am exhausted, I always hear a silent voice within me, instructing me to keep off the bed, commanding me to do anything and everything, except sleep. I wonder if I have a subconscious fear for sleeping. May be it was the nightmarish childhood incident of falling off from the bed that compels me to stay away from bed for as long as I can. In the recent years, feeling unsecured staying in hostel has only intensified my fear. Nonetheless, understanding that sleeping not only regularly, but also at the correct time is essential to ensure good health and optimal performance, I cannot afford to continue living with this fear. [Periodic Sentence] I will battle against my past experiences. I may have lost, but I will not continue losing. The never-say-die spirit is what defines homo sapiens as the better species. Never shall we be complacent with the current situation, shy away from challenges, or surrender to fate. [Serial Construction] This is human. This is me. I will emerge a better me.
I am not sure if I am still that optimistic now, though there is always a silent voice deep inside that tells me I can make it! Should I stay determined. The main thing to beating any bad habits is that I must be willing to commit for the change. The problem now is that sometimes I myself is unwilling to sleep early, for god knows what reason. I need to be more disciplined. And I need to be faithful to my resolution.
Read this articles on Financial Times yesterday that more and more of us now are becoming crazybusy - being occupied with so many random demands that we lose sight of the things that matter. This is especially true everytime I on my laptop. I will be carried away by youtube, by friendster, by my library of pictures, by chats, and any other random websites that attracts me momentarily. I always end up having nothing done. Yes I need more discipline. Exams are coming up.
However, on the larger picture, I am not quite sure if I am losing sight of the things that matter. I am packed now with AIESEC, with orientation camp planning, with AIDS event, with the desire to widen my knowledge of the world. I am not sure if these are really the priorities in my life. Or rather, if the activities I am engaging in now will help me attain my goals in life. May be at the end of the day, they are nothing but distractants. Yin How told me this when I told him that I am losing control of things and I am still trying to make sense out of them, 'Don't try too hard. Sometimes life doesn't make sense.' I am still thinking about the truth in this sentence. Now I think it's true. But I am not sure if it is really true. It's just my perception. May be it is right, but it may be wrong.
My friends say that I am thinking too much. And I think they are right. But I won't stop thinking, because jy says 'thinking makes you smarter' and I agree. Or rather, I can't stop thinking because I can't help it.
The end of my random post.