It's yet another 5am. Don't know what is happening to me. I don't understand why this sudden arrival of down times, given no visible triggering moments. I try to look into my genes, I try to look into my history. Nothing gave me a clue as to the situation I have landed in. It definitely doesn't look like another normal down times. In the past, I can consciously allow myself to indulge in being sentimental and emotional, but now, I don't know what is happening. I am not taking the lead anymore. I am being led around blindly by my mental rhythm. I am losing control. I don't feel like eating I don't feel like smiling I don't feel like jogging I don't feel like sleeping I don't feel like waking up I don't feel like doing work. Shit this isn't good. Especially during such crucial moments. I need strength I need discipline I need regularities. When are you guys ever arriving? Yesterday before I slept some evil thoughts actually landed in my brain. I got so scared that I started sobbing. I will never let you pass through. This is my last line of defence. Never. I still love life. I still want to see the meaning of life. Thou shall not pass.