I accidentally went pass sleeping hours again. And the questions in my psy survey for my tutor is still fresh in my mind.
Question: Do you have friends?
Following question: Do you have friends to turn to?
I couldn't put down the same rating ('always', sometimes', 'rarely', 'not at all') for both questions. I started reflecting, when I am down, when I am depressed, who do I turn to? I tried to look down my msn list for friends whom I can pour to, and I couldn't locate one. I wanted to go for a talk tomorrow about Lessons from the Himalayans. I looked down the list to see who I can ask to go together, none. May be I am just too cautious. I didn't dare to trouble my friends, or ask them to do anything that may exceed the limitations for our kind of friendship. It seems like as I progress with uni, my msn list is getting longer, my phone contacts are getting fuller, but I ain't getting more friends. Many are just in the list because I have to contact them for official purposes. For new friends, I keep thinking that we are together because of functions, not because of friendship; for old friends, each have their own life too, and I didn't dare to disturb them. I can't blame them for not being able to be there for me, cuz I am always not available to them to. I would rather not tell anyone, because I wouldn't want to elaborate laboriously how what where who why I feel like this. So I wouldn't even know how to convey my down moments to my friends. If you are there, I just wish you to be beside me, to be present there, to accompany me. Words need not be exchanged. It's the company that counts. But I am not confident of how many are willing to do so, that's why I choose to remain silent, and turn everything inwards. But deep down inside, I still wish to look for one whom I can confide in, who will be there,
Just allow me to ramble. Can I just say that I feel really really lonely? Can I just say that I really really need someone to be there for me? Can I just say that I am not adapting well to this kinda life? Can I just say that I am lost? Friends, I miss you all. I miss the time when we can sit together by the staircase to chat till late in the night, not like now me alone singing to the blazing computer screen. I miss the time when I can cry on your shoulder, not like now tearing alone. I miss the time when we study together, encourage each other, not like now having lone battle. I miss the time when we have breakfast lunch dinner together, not like now skipping meals just to avoid lonely meals, or crouch on my seat to eat alone. I miss the time when activity friends mean friends sincerely, and not stay as official friends. I try to break the boundary, but I am still timid. I may seem very extroverted, but deep down I am still hesitant about making the first step. I am one that needs a lot of friendship, but now the problem is I know a lot of people, not a lot of friends. I may be able to say hi to 10 people while walking from south spine to north spine, yet unable to find one soul in the world to confide with. People may say that I am too dependent on others, and I should have a life of my own, be more independent. Yes I am trying, and it is not working well. I can't multi-task. I can't be the depressed and at the same time the counsellor the shoulder and the understanding friend. I am just a normal normal person, no matter how strong, how cheerful, how crappy I seem to be on the outside. I am weak, I am vulnerable, and I need help. I don't want life to be that everytime I am sad the only thing I can turn to is blog. I miss the cohesive hostel life in cjch, I miss the cohesive class in Hwa Chong. I miss Sherene I miss Yun Ru I miss Chui Fen I miss Yi Juin I miss Jackline I miss Marita I miss Yessica I miss Fong Chi I miss Chen Hui I miss San San I miss Wui Jia I miss Ming Hui I miss Teik Zhen I miss Handy I miss Janice I miss Yun Li I miss Hoo hoo I miss pow I miss Ereneh I miss jy I miss yuan yi I miss Xin Yu I miss Yiwen I miss Set I miss Choon Siang I miss Jaspar I miss my family I miss you all where are you all... Time flies and it is the greatest dilutant to friendship. I know that it is not diluted but just pulled apart by distance and the interference of our own world. I should come to the realisation of it. And together with realisation should come acceptance and adaptation. The final two are just absent for now and probably explain the torment I am in. But deep in my heart I don't want to accept I don't want to adapt I don't want to grow up to be the adult that I despise of. I know I am childish to think like that. So be it. I am childish and I don't care what you think. Why must I pretend that I have grown up when I haven't? Why must I grow up when I don't want to? Why must I conform? Why must I comply? Can I just live it the way I want it be? Is being childish that bad? Is there no one on earth who is willing to be my friend anymore? Just let me ramble and I will be fine I promise. When sun shines and so will I.