Thursday, September 27, 2007

悲情理想

这是今夜看了《伤心咖啡店之歌》的自我省思,对自己的重新诠释。看自己的背景,自己走过的路,改变过的自己,好好把心化作字,写出自己。改变是一个进行式的歌曲,谱没编完,所以谁也不知道歌曲的结局。你能预料,但你不能肯定。现在,是我给自己二十一年来想的看的做个总结。这个总结并不是我二十一年来的模式,而是我现在存在的模式。但谁也不能否认,我的现在,是总总过去堆砌成的。所以,这是当下,也是过去。

我是忧郁的。我的眼睛看的是悲观。但骨子里,我是以乐观的眼睛接受了世界的悲观。我看得出世界的悲、自己的悲,我接受社会的缺点、人类的缺点、我的缺点。可是我的忧郁带不来绝望,我的悲情导致不了放弃。我在人我的缺憾悲伤中自由地游移,随心应手。因为悲情是我,忧郁也是我。我与人生中的遗憾是一体的。观念里的两级分类法在被我丢弃。我的世界里没有好坏美丑,没有反义词。一切,只是一种态度,而每种态度都是独特的,不必放在一个尺度上让人衡量比较。固我能世俗、能洒脱、能颓废、能上进、能顽固、能圆滑、能冷酷、能热情、能悲、能喜。不变,自如。像水,我可以流走高山平原峡谷,能成冰、成雨、成河、成空气,我依然是我。变了,是我;不变,亦是我。

给心的诠释

我的心是一颗星。大家仿佛都看得到这颗心,可是她和任何人都没有关系,与任何人之间都存在着无限量的距离。<p>这颗星自力脱逸了轨道,想要追求一种亲近、意味的感受,却没想到星星是不可能真正接近的,除非互相撞毁,化为粉尘

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Sunday, September 16, 2007

A cool haven


Amidst the never finished deadlines and reading materials, I seeked comfort by reuniting with 73 people during MAF07!

It felt great, be it just strolling along all the corridors with hoohoo thinking back on where we had our lectures tutorials practicals, where we sat, what we did, the classroom numbers, our class acts, or be it going lame and crazy with the entire class over jokes that only us find funny. It was great seeing Beng Beng again, it was great seeing the other teachers too. Have been missing Hwa Chong quite terribly these days. So today came as a relief and re-live for the memories that are dearly missed. It felt really good.

*And I am happy* :p

Pictures courtesy of JY and other passer-by photographer!

The light up! Think the idea is cool this time!



The light up from the perspective of central plaza.


Beng Beng looked so much more cheerful today!


Of course, the dance.


Some changes in canteen stalls. Why the name.. -.-


Supper at my restaurant! See the name of the restaurant? First time it being not in BTFC!

Sidetrack: What fridge is for.



It is unscientifically proven that these chilled toys make your sleep better at night!






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Saturday, September 15, 2007

My Course of Allergy

Reason for Allergy: Alcohol Intolerance. According to the web, my body lacks the necessary enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase to break down the toxic of alcohol.

Reason for the mishap: Moments of impulse. It was skulling (beer drinking competition) during JumpStart! (AIESEC Orientation Conference). Moments of impulse and sense of invincibility took over my rationalism (if there's ever one). I drank 3 small cups. 2 cups of tiger and 1 cup of raspberry drink which I happen to know later that it contains alcohol as well.

Course of allergy:
Counting till now: 7 days.
First day: I know I invited trouble when I started seeing unusual goosebumps on my body. These goosebumps only occurred on skin that's covered with clothes. So on the exterior I looked perfectly fine. In the morning it was like hell. The covered skin were red hot, flooded with countless red rashes and red dots that threatened to burst out of skin. Yes the skin surface was hot, but I was feeling icey cold inside. So cold that my hands have to be kept warm by my friends. And I sunbathed while everyone was happily seeking comfort under the fan.
I attempted to resist the urge to scratch the itch which was all over. I know once I broke the perseverance, the itch will develop into a fatal pandemic of EXTREME itchiness. But situation refused to get better even though I didn't scratch. So itchy that it turned painful, like needle pricks. I couldn't sleep at night and all I wanted was to cry..
Day 2 and Day 3: Went to school with my aloe vera packed in the bag. So tempted to use it to soothe the itch while attending lectures and running my study. But I couldn't. And cuz I MUST NOT scratch, I started slapping the itchy part in an attempt to soothe it. So I kept slapping myself and I must have looked like aged old lady trying to slap her aching joints.
Day 4: Things got better, or so I thought. But in the evening, I broke the resistance to scratch. And after that was hell. I scratched so badly that patches of skin bulged up like skin being bitten by caterpillar. And the heat flushed up again.
Day 5: The rashes weren't visible anymore, but itch lingers EVERYWHERE.
Day 6: Finally I dare to resume my jogging ritual as I thought the toxic would have been slowly removed out of my body. Jogged the longest ever. Then.. itch came back! I'm still fighting with it now as I am typing. *sigh*

Conclusion: I seriously have absolutely no tolerance towards alcohol!

Diagnosis: Wan Xin should be banned on skulling.

The Skulling at Sembawang Park. It's like a relay race. First partcipant drinks finish then tap on the next person. Basically the contestants have to place their chin and fingers on the table until it's their turn to drink. There's this tradition that it's a sin to waste alcohol. So team gets disqualified should we spill. Don't understand why I refused to take the substitute Coke.

Variation of Skulling. This is in Hong Kong during the party in Ripples Conference Jan 07. Memories.. Managed to not drink then.


Jump Start! conference. Where I made friends and had fun and learned and renewed myself.


International friendship borned. With Vietnamese AIESECers.


Post conference dinner + farewell dinner for Grace Yuan our helping AIESECer from China.


Look like she's having a lot of fun?


Of course she does. At the weirdest place. :p

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

被自己缠住了。

最近自己一直在低落中徘徊。没什么特别,就是太多事情要做,太多事情做不了而已。地球这么大,我这么小;宇宙这么大,地球这么小。我的烦恼,微不足道。不该为他而烦。

喜欢帮人解决问题、听别人诉苦,也许是因为不敢面对自己的问题。帮别人解决时,也许有种错觉认为自己的也这样解决了。

最近都走路去上学,不管艳阳下雨,而且路程都不觉得长,也许是因为就一直一直地躲在自己思想中,所以很快就到达目的地吧。

不能喝酒,因为敏感,却敢敢去喝了酒,还很英雄地帮别组比赛,喝了三小杯,rashes缠身三天三夜都没好。活该。该死。Skulling应该禁止我参赛。痒,痛,心里更失落。

提不起劲来做事。跟自己讲一千次要好好起床去上课,每个星期上的可却比不上的少。很怕赶不上。越怕又越有压力。知道自己很笨。

一直不听不停地编制新的道理来鼓励自己,来解释自己如今的心情与行为。暗地里却知道只是因为自己根本不知道为什么自己这么样。今天中午新的道理是:自己喜欢帮别人是因为自己帮不了自己。今天傍晚的道理是:我应该不再为心情所困,反正一天二十四小时都要过,与其拿来心烦,不如拿来做事,反正有这么多事要做。心情,让他自己照顾自己吧。可是又很怕一切被压制到无意识领域中。到了无意识领域,自己以为自己已经不再为他烦不再为他影响,其实一切都还很活跃,暗地里暗地里在影响着我每天的作息。一天二十四小时分分钟有新的理论来解释自己,很好。很烦。

读太多心理的东西有时候好像是坏事。可是难道我愿意被蒙在鼓里?问题时,我现在发掘的东西难道是真理吗?还是一些自己自以为是的道理?

被自己缠住了。

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Friday, September 07, 2007

想念FOC 想念FOC 想念FOC 想念FOC 想念FOC 想念FOC 想念FOC 想念FOC 想念FOC

在星光闪烁下,晚风吹下,红云下,屋顶又带回了满满FOC的回忆。想念好苦。

不要笑我傻。

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22 rustlings

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

等了很久,怀疑了很久,我撑不住的那一天终于降临了。

一开学排山倒海的东西倾盆而下,我一直忙一直忙,利用landmark forum的功力一直energise着自己,但心底里一直怀疑自己还能撑多久。终于终于,这一天降临了。还蛮可怕的。但发现自己对它更开明了。一晚,过去了。

把过去丢掉,重新出发。

我有我的未来。

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