Monday, March 03, 2008

You guys don't see

You guys see me jumping around like a Duracell Bunny. You guys see me smiling everyday like I've never got tears. You guys look at me talking happily with everyone like I am so sociable and all and fitting alright in this organization.

You guys don't see the times when I struggle. When I struggle, it's a lone struggle. No one is there, no one is there to talk to you, no one's there for you to hold on to. No one. Keep it to yourself dude! You are supposed to be managing all the problems yourself. Tough, cuz it's your choice.

You guys don't see the times when I experience self-doubt, when I wonder again and again if running for LCP was the right decision. During times when I struggle so badly among studies AIESEC and friends and emotions, you guys don't see it. You guys don't see the tears that flow. You guys don't see the sorrow and the anguish. It's all hidden, all under cover.

I look perfectly all fine. I have my flaws, so does everyone. So I am fine. And furthermore I am cheerful! I am optimistic! I am smart! So I am faring even better than the majority. SO I AM FINE. Yay dude! Good guess. Bad accuracy.

I feel like suffocating now. So many things tumbling down all at one go. Presentations, quiz, visa, EB selection, agm, year plan, transition. How long more can I go on? Is there anyone in the vicinity to help? I see my roommate sleeping so peacefully. Why the hell did I summon all these upon myself? I know adversities make us stronger. I know I will turn out fine and well and better. Now it is jsut very bad. Very very bad. I can't sleep I can't read I can't think. I am not as good as who you think I am. The night is getting colder, but I am still alone. Don't know what I am doing, why I am doing what I am doing, what I shall do next and how do I proceed on. I haven't even bathed yet and it's already 2am. Life is in a mess and so I am. Thought I have just tidied up my table but looking at it may be no. And tomorrow I am supposed to meet my teacher advisor talking about don't know what. Hell with impression management and looking professional. Now I am just the lost confused helpless clueless weak Wan Xin. Leave me alone! Help only if you are keen to.

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