Wednesday, April 30, 2008

今天考完试了。很久很久都没有感受到抗拒的感觉。但昨天,我完完全全感受到自己抗拒为考试读书的心理。虽然自己很想读,但心里却怎样也吸收不了。一遍一遍地扫过字字页页后才发现自己都只是在看印刷,一个字都没读进心里。那时已经三点了,还有两个单元七篇研究报告没读。明天九点考试。没办法,我只好继续哄我自己好好读书。用尽了各种各样游说的方法来劝服自己。我还真是白痴。

不管怎样,今天十一点半时,我考完了。又或者,我在纸上编完故事了。不知道自己写得到底是道理还是荒唐,也不想去找答案。考过,就算了吧。

我只知道,我不喜欢为考试而读书!尤其是自己喜欢的书!

考完试了,简讯也开始涌进手机了。又要开始很忙很忙的生活了。简简单单日复一日就只是读书的日子,结束了。我的大学二年级,也结束了。

Ended my exams today. Finally. It's been really long since I experienced resistance studying for exams. But the magical yesterday, I experienced it. After scanning through paragraphs after paragraphs, only to discover that I have not read the words at all, but instead just reading printed black ink. It was 3am then, when I still had 2 chapters and 7 research articles to go. The paper is at 9am. So I tried to pet talk myself using all sorts of reasons I can find under the sun. Sounds like an idiot, but I had to get the job done!

Anyhow, today 1130am marked the end of my exams, as well as the end of my Year 2 Psychology. A tinge of sadness. Two years have passed.. and time seems to fly even faster now. I love Psychology, but I haven't been spending enough time learning it. It's a dilemma. But well, I shall just try...

But anyway, met up Sharon and Mayas with Alvin today to talk about transition. Learnt a lot about how to approach planning focus areas. May be it was post-exam high, I was feeling interested about everything! And things were so easily understood. 

But what was best was AFTER the meeting. When we went to have dinner at Thai Express. Were discussing about good movies and good books, and I am so so excited to watch them during the holidays! Having the urge for good movies nowadays... Anyone interested to go?

Oh yeah.. I had movie outing with Chrystella before meeting up with Sharon they all too! Watched The Forbidden Kingdom. Hilarious. Weird. Interesting. But it's the company that counts. :)

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1 rustlings

Monday, April 28, 2008

姿彩
因为吃饱饭后给自己无聊的权利,就什么都不想做地在网络里游泳。游呀游地游到了伟建的部落格,不小心看到了超有意思的panographyface research

然后又游到了大马部落。有个超有趣的口号,叫《当我们blog在一起》。走进去一看,看到了一堆一堆博客的网。啊,又超有意思。每个人写的笔调走的方向都不同,都很好玩。有记者有普通人有基督教徒有像我酱的废才。

我又想了一想,其实在生活离他们可能都很不同吧。各人走各自的生活方向。可是就因为大家是大马中文博客,所以连在一起了。再想,世界里面的人,随便抓几个人放在一堆,再从中找出共同点,应该都不难吧。有可能是都喜欢抒情音乐的有可能是喜欢海边的有可能是浪漫情怀的有可能是工程系的再不然就是都是男的或同国籍的。每一个共同点,都会让他们的生活的某个层面似曾相似,都能让人讲上大半天的话。那为什么,身处在这么多点给我们相似的世界,这么多人看到的却只是不同与分歧?用社会心理学的角度来看,也许给这堆人多一点点时间,他们就会发现相同之处吧。那为什么有很多人走在一起这么久,却从来看不到相同之处呢?为什么有很多本来相似的人混在一起混久了,又开始慢慢的离异了?有的因为没有沟通过也没有沟通的意愿,有的越沟通越多鸿沟。看我们在看什么吧。

嗯。但大马部落真的很有趣。从里面有发现了一堆其他汇集大马人的网站。有世界大马学生网、有古晋博客网、有大红花的国度、还有很多很多自己设立的新闻网交流网,都很正面很正派。有诗情画意的有古怪搞笑的有关心国事的(这个最近很红)。不知道为什么这些正派却不能在大马的现实社会中演现。在网络世界中,我以自己是马来西亚人为荣。(在现实中,我依然是个大马人啦。)只是网络世界中的大马人,真善美的让人想飞奔过去。也许在没有实体的国度了,交流的只有最纯真的理想,没有贫穷,没有生活压力,没有纷争。如果现实是这样就好了。

如果现实不告诉我明天还有一张考试就好了......

真善美的世界,是一个多姿多彩的世界。

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2 rustlings

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Sleep Combat

Felt ridiculous about my previous post. It was a random idea during my exam today. And I thought I should just be loyal to my thought. Haha.

Anyway let's post something of more content. I have embarked on a journey to combat with my circadian rhythm. Meaning I am trying to sleep at the appropriate time for the appropriate length. For the past my circadian rhythm seems non-existent. I can just go on and on living without sleep, until I see the sunrise, until I force myself on bed and play slow music. Yeah may be you have heard me talking about this before. And yeah you have heard me saying how bad it is going. So yeah.. this is probably my worst stage in life. I started becoming a regular sleeper of 10am - 6pm. Yeah may be my circadian rhythm is not here because it is probably surviving real well in US. SY said I can go US without problem fitting in.

Jokes aside, I do realize the severity of the problem, not just because I am having 2 exams in the morning (actually it seems like even afternoon paper poses great threat), but this faulty circadian rhythm has been making me skip lectures and tutorials and ruin appointments. So one day, I finally decided to overcome my own resistance and surrender my problem to the doctors at medical centre. 

I woke up real early, i.e. at 12pm that day, after sleeping at 8am, to see the doctors. As with what happened last year, the doctor suggested me sleeping pills. This time, I didn't reject. I enquired about the side effects, and the instructions, and took 7 pills and left. The dosage is half a pill half an hour before sleep, half a tablet again if you cannot sleep an hour after. The doctor said the only side effect is metallic taste in your mouth, and if you don't give yourself 6 -8 hours of sleep, you get hangover the next day. That's all.

A check on the internet told me otherwise. Among the list stated, the side effects actually includes:

  • anterograde amnesia (inability to remember new things)
  • dizziness
  • confusion
  • depression
  • euphoria
  • palpitations
  • muscle spasm
  • sleepwalking
  • headaches
  • diarrhea
The list went on and on and my heart dropped to the the floor. I am reluctant to surrender myself to such effects. And a reading on my textbook of biopsychology says insomnia can be caused by a dependence on sleeping pills. The doctor actually suggested me to take half tonight and see effects, since I don't have a paper tomorrow. 

But that night I felt naturally sleepy at 12+am which was amazing. So I decided that I can sleep early without the pills and I should use this as a starting point for rebuilding my rhythm.

The next day I woke up at 8am. Waking up when the sky is turning brighter feels magical, for in the past it was usually the cue to sleep instead. I was sleepy still, but I didn't allow myself to go back to sleep. I did take 2 short naps, one in the afternoon and one after dinner. But that night, which was yesterday, I slept naturally at 2am.

The work is going on well, and let's just see what can turn out at the end of this exam period. Hopefully I emerge champion with my 7 pills still on the table. Untouched. Hopefully I get a normal Singapore time circadian rhythm. Hopefully my melatonin level returns to normal and Superchiasmatic Nucleus starts functioning proper. Let's see. At the same time, I am giving myself classical conditioning. I am writing diary before sleep each night, see if I can  pair up the feeling of sleepiness with diary writing, so that everytime I write diary my brain will anticipate sleep after that and start adjusting the body to prepare to sleep.

Lala and I actually agreed that I should instead surrender myself to my biopsy professor or hospital as a study subject for sleep. It may be that my SCN or hypothalamus or pineal gland is really not working. And being a study not just demystifies the entire mystery I've been facing since young, but also helps the public in understanding this issue! And probably, I am a rare test subject. Should I? Would anyone want to test me?

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3 rustlings

What makes you not concentrate during exam?

  1. A table that  shakes his leggies
  2. An air-con that's too cold (luckily NTU doesn't have this)
  3. A thunderstorm that seems to bring down the hall at any time
  4. The Mr. Itchy Feet beside you who keeps rubbing his feet together
  5. The invigilator who wears too much perfume
  6. The Mr. Shaky on your diagonal left front who can't stop shaking his legs (worse if he has a jacket on his laps with metal zip)
  7. The Mr. Peeky on your right who keeps looking at your direction
  8. The Mr. Driller around you who writes so hard that his table trembles
  9. The Mr. Fart in front of you :S
  10. A blank brain
0 rustlings

Monday, April 14, 2008

One of those days when you feel bloggy

1. Where is your cell phone?

on top of my organizer which is on top of a empty pizza box which is empty since 2 days ago

2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend?
bf in the future and gf not in the future, hopefully.

3. Your hair?
Just being trimmed by myself with scissors and mirror and the empty pizza box as tray

4. Where is your father?
Far far away at home in Banting

5. Your favorite thing to do?.
think

6. Your dream last night?
Night? I slept in the day leh..

7. Your favorite drink?
The various drinks done by the new Can 9 koko.

8. Your dream car?
Don't speak the car language. 

9. The room you’re in?
was approached by the scary security twice in the midnight. *scared*

10. Your fears?
Being suddenly scared by people.

11. Who did you hang out with yesterday?
Roomie.

12. What aren’t you good at?
Guitar, concentration, keeping optimism alive.

13. Muffins?
Not really.

14. One of your wish list items?
Getting sponsorship to go Brazil!

15. The last thing you did?
Scratched my shoulder.

16. What are you wearing?
SCGS Gymnastics 2002 shirt. And other stuff, of course.

17. Your pet?
Love them visually but NOT kinesthetically.
Should read Ming Hui's answer: i've got a mouse!

18. Your computer?
Laptop only. Which is just reformated.
Ming Hui's continuation: well, actually, it's his mouse la.

19. Your life?
should still go on at least for this minute. I think.

20. Your mood?
Dazed.. after not sleeping for so many nights. But still energetic though. OK lah this isn't a mood description lah.

21. Missing?
the times when I was small.

22. What are you thinking about right now?
YOU. Not you, but YOU! 

23. Your car?
with my bf.

24. Your work?
is non-existent until I start hating it.

25. Your summer?
Evolve conference transition special semester URECA national planning MC transition Miracle faci preparation home mum's birthday Shenzhen HK Guangzhou Xi'an Beijing Tianjin Shanghai Macau REST

26. Your relationship status?
multiple according to my roomie

27. Your favorite color(s)?
forest green

28. When is the last time you laughed?
This morning. With roomie when playing with SY.

29. Last time you cried?
Yesterday when a lot of hair pieces entered my eye and get stored there

30. School?
has a new nice library with mix-sex toilet and toilet seat that warms and washes and dries your butt after your business. Like those in Japan!

Confession. I kidnapped this from Ming Hui's blog when I was on my blog visits. 

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0 rustlings

Back

Living each breath is back. :) In a morning where birds chirp cheerfully to the morning and traffic volume gets heavier to start the day.

While scrolling down my blog and looking if everything is alright, I found out that it's been 4 years since I have this blog. Scary to see how quick time flies. Somehow I still have the feeling that I am just the 143cm SCGS girl in the blue pinafore being blur and innocent of what the world is and happily exploring the world without pressure
hanging down the monkey bars everytime we have chance during recess 
getting freaked out by girls in skirt but striding across the benches 
eating meepok and chilli fries which is banned by school due to high fat content but the Malay stall sells it anyway
having fun about SJI boys 
walking back Malcolm Park
taking 30 minutes to wait for 605 just to save 10 cents
complaining the 2.4km run
playing softball 
keeping a lot of things in my pocket 
wearing socks above ankles
checking school badge on pinafore every morning
counting the price before sending laundry
attending Civics and Moral Education by Mrs Chee
amused by Mrs Miao in her interesting Geography classes
napping during every paper in O Levels
preparing for 'Turn Left Turn Right" performance 
getting quarantined due to SARS outbreak
emcee-ing for Exuberance with Teik Zhen when I barely know him
studying downstairs every night just to see KJ pass by and wave to me
enjoying every single style of good night MH created to cheer me 
getting scolded by Aunty April for staying up late
walking up and down the slope after dinner
mass watching World Cup in tv room
sneaking into IT room at midnight
playing piano in the lounge
dance competition
witnessing fights and burnt pizzas
trying out blue eyeshadow for the first time
woken up by army marches every Saturday morning
walking to the empty hall during recess to spend time alone
spending 2 weeks perfecting a powerpoint slide when it was not graded
watching musicals
shopping for Scholars' Room with Mrs Lee in Ikea
seeing Ms Heng cry

And I am turning 22 this year.

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0 rustlings

Pessimism is right. Optimism too. It's just a choice you take.

I did a new fringe cut myself. First time in my life. I reformated my laptop with the help of Dominic. First time in my life. I am trying out iTunes and Safari. First time in my life. I am happy suddenly. First time in a long time. :D

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0 rustlings

Friday, April 11, 2008

Inspiration


In 1982 Elliot Aronson received the following letter:

"Dear Professor Aronson:

I am a senior at ___ University. Today I got a letter admitting me to the Harvard Law School. This may not seem odd to you, but let me tell you something. i am the 6th of 7 children my parents had - and I am the only one who ever went to college, let alone graduate, or go to law school.

By now, you are probably wonering why this stranger is writing to you and bragging to you about his achievements. Actually, I'm not a stranger although we never met. You see, last year I was taking a course in social psychology and we were using a book you wrote, The Social Animal, and when I read about the prejudice and jigsaw it all sounded very familiar - and then, I realized that I was in that very first class you ever did jigsaw in - when I was in the 5th grade. And as I read on, it dawned on me that I was the boy that you called Carlow. And then I remembered you when you first came to our classroom and how I was scared and how I hated school and how I was so stupid and didn't know anything. And you came in - it all came back to me when I read your book - you were very tall - about 6 1/2 feet - and you had a big black beard and you were funny and made us all laugh.

And, most important, when we started to do work in jigsaw groups, I began to realize that I wasn't really that stupid. And the kids I thought were cruel and hostile became my friends and the teacher acted friendly and nice to me and I actually began to love school, and I began to love and learn things and now I'm about to go Harvard Law School.

You must get a lot of letters like this but I decided to write anyway because let me tell you somethign. my mother tells me that when I was born I almost died. I was born at home and the cord was wrapped around my neck and the midwife gave me mouth to mouth and saved my life. If she was still alive, i would write to her too, to tell her that I grew up smart and good and I'm going to law school. But she died a few years ago. I'm writing to you because, no less than her, you saved my life too.

Sincerely
_____

Aronson, E., Wilson, T. D., Akert, R. M. (2007). Social Psychology (6th ed.). New Jersey: Pearson Education.

This letter reminded me, to never stop doing a good deed because it seems too insignificant. We would never know when we save one person's life. Keep doing good deeds, no matter how small and how easy it is, everywhere you are in everything you do, just like Professor Aronson, who saved the kid's life through his Psychology experiment. You will never know when it made a difference, but somehow, someday, you may just have saved one.

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0 rustlings

Saturday, April 05, 2008

A tale of pens


i want to tell a story of me and my pilot pens.

I first met the pilot pens in 2005 when I was travelling in Taiwan with my sister and mother for my elder sister's convocation. I bought three such pilot pens as their colours are really extraordinary and pretty. The colours made me feel good and happy every time I used it. However, I couldn't find this range in Malaysia or Singapore. I treasure these pens and really used them at special occasion so that the ink can sustain till I get replacement again.

I asked my friends who were travelling to Taiwan to help me get them, but somehow none of them could get me the exact colours I wanted.

During my Japan trip, in Shibuya, I finally found them again. So of course, I bought them, one of the same colour as the one I bought in the past, and another new colour.

But when I use the new pens, somehow I feel a tinge of sadness and loneliness. The colour seems like a colour of sad tale.

This made me start thinking about why pens of the same range, the first time I bought it it brought me joy, but second time loneliness. I examined the situation when I bought it. The first time, I was with my sister when I was shopping. The second time, it was when we declared independence and went off for individual shopping. Probably what made me happy the first time, was because I was with my sister, not because of the pen colour. Similarly, what made me feel lonely the second time is because of the lone shopping. It was the situation, not the pen, that causes the change in mood. The pens are just a carrier of mood. Probably.

I used to think I enjoy lone travelling at times. I used to think I enjoy the time spending with me and myself and be present to the scenery around instead of just the companion. But this pen incident has made me thought twice. May be the emotions remembered about the trip is seriously nothing about the place, but about who you were with. I thought I enjoyed the lone travel, so why the pens didn't bring me emotions of peace and serenity, but instead, emotions of loneliness and sadness? Do I really enjoy lone travel? May be I do not. May be I love lone travelling, because it gives me the lonely feel, which is a contrast to the family feel I get when I am with people. So, I crave for lone travel, for the loneliness of it makes me treasure the times I am with people better.

This is what I think.

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0 rustlings

Thursday, April 03, 2008

给自己的鼓励


这个世界
有时候看起来好像就只有一条路可以走
有时候看起来好像必须走充满着悲伤与挣扎的路
有时候走着走着
就好像只有自己在走着这条人生路
有时候会很无主
很无助
也不知道有谁能听懂你的处境
由谁能帮你走出这段荆棘
不知道路还有走多远
还有多久才能看到幸福的阳光
这个时候
写一封信给自己
像向别人求救般地向自己求救
把自己不能说给别人听的心情说给自己听
一古脑儿吐出来
然后
再像听朋友般地听自己倾诉
再回一封信给自己
像开解朋友一样地开解自己
你会发现
其实解决的方法一直都在自己心中
只是我们都很习惯地对别人比对自己好一些

再发现
其实路不只有一条
只是在痛苦之中
我们的目光都被阻碍了
痛苦的路
其实可以选择不走
是可以的
需要的
是那一点点的勇气
和一点点对自己的智慧的信任

0 rustlings

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Beautiful lines well written



Watched The Holidays once AGAIN, and awed by the same lines again. So again I will type out the lines, this time the complete manuscript. Not that it is beautifully written, but it is one of the works that accurately depicts how people feel. And when things are true.. it'll just.. touch your soul.

"I understand the feelings as small and as insignificant as humanely possible, and how it can actually ache in places that you din't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join or how many glasses of chatinee you drink with your girlfriends, you still going to bed every night going over every detail, and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could've misunderstood. And how in the hell in that brief moment you could think that you were that happy, and sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long over that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people that will make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back, and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you've wasted, that will actually begin to fade."
By Kate Winslet (may be the lines aren't written by her though) in The Holidays

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0 rustlings

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Repeat


This song has been repeatedly playing in my mind since Japan till now, everytime when I feel down.


孙燕姿《天黑黑》


我的小时候吵闹任性的时侯
我的外婆总会唱歌哄我
夏天的午后老老的歌安慰我
那首歌好像这样唱的
天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑


离开小时候有了自己的生活
新鲜的歌新鲜的念头
任性和冲动无法控制的时候
我忘记还有这样的歌

天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑


我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人
我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后总有残缺


我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚好孤独


天黑的时候我又想起那首歌
突然期待下起安静的雨 原来外婆的道理早就唱给我听
下起雨也要勇敢前进….
我相信一切都会平息
我现在好想回家去


天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑

0 rustlings

Live
~ wan xin
* a feel
* a soul
* a mind
* an emotion
* an inspiration

+ 13071986
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+ Cancer
+ Buddhist
+ Malaysian
+ Psychology NTU
+ AIESECer
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+ MES
+ Choong Hua

我的語言
- 土生土長的華人
- 學校教了我英文和馬來文
- 環境教了我福建話
- 電視劇教了我廣東話
- 大學和喀麥隆教了我法語
- 在一個早上接觸了手語
- 最後一學期一口氣學了日語和西班牙語

Ticking

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~Leave me your contact method~

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