Monday, March 16, 2009

Vacuum

When what usually sustains you ceases to sustain you any further, you suddenly experience a new-found emptiness. A vacuum within you that is alive and loud day to day, moment to moment, screaming to you, 'What should I do next?' 'What fulfills me?'

It is not as if you have nothing to do, but those are the mundane daily jobs that you know you ought to do, but not things that you want to do for its own sake.

You pass the days by answering to the mundane tasks, by frantically trying any means to make yourself fulfilled. But whatever you have done, they somehow are not capable of making you a tiny wheeny more composed. You have lost the vibe, you have lost the impulsiveness to dive straight into the next tasks, and the next. You don't mind letting time pass unproductively, you don't mind missing one appointment after another. You don't mind having your life commitment jeopardise. Those don't really matter to you, anyway. You are afraid to sleep at night, because the moment you close your eyes, you know you have wasted yet another day.

You still want to find the vibe in life, but somehow it is nowhere to be found in your life. You look at others, envying their energy, envying their drive in life, wishing you can be a little more upbeat. But you just can't, you just can't move towards the next step.

You still breathe, you still survive, but till you find the new sustaining source, you are less, than alive.

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